Gatefather Read online

  All this memory flowed into Danny’s mind, and This One assented to the memory. This One seemed to say, I’m glad they have kept that much understanding: that power comes from willing obedience, and willing obedience flows from trust and love.

  But they love only the thing they serve as mages, Danny answered. They love nothing else, and harm many against their will.

  All of them? asked This One.

  And Danny suddenly understood that by his testimony he was causing This One to judge all the Mithermages. And so he immediately remembered those he knew who never used their power to harm others. Marion and Leslie. Veevee. Stone. And for all Danny knew, countless others among the Families and the Orphans. Even inside the North Family, there were Uncle Mook and Aunt Lummy.

  And Thor and Mother and Father meant well—Danny could see that now, and understood that when his parents came to see him that day at Parry McCluer, they weren’t seeking some advantage as he had feared, but rather they truly loved him, attended to him, wanted to serve his happiness, wanted his love and trust in return.

  This One answered him: I see that many do harm, and mean to. And many do harm without meaning to. And many do good without meaning to. And many do good by deliberate action, and at great cost to themselves, and act with courage and strength to serve the happiness of others. Yet you do not love them.

  I fear them, replied Danny honestly.

  That is wise yet childish of you, answered This One. You fear that you cannot trust their love, so you do not trust their love, and thus you can never know if you can trust their love. Your fear protects you from harm, yet it exposes you to the pain and terror of loneliness, so it harms you through another door. Why do you think that you, of all the ones who come home to Duat, should return to Mittlegard?

  Not me, not for my own sake. Not Pat either, not for her own sake and not for mine. I’m here to learn how to free myself from Set or to overpower him so he cannot harm another or acquire the power to rule the worlds.

  He cannot rule here, because no one rules here.

  Not you? asked Danny.

  Those who do as I ask of them, do it because they see my purpose and they want my plans to come to fruition. That’s why they joined me in assembling the worlds you live on, and growing the lives of both worlds, and sending so many of my friends to dwell there and learn to live in the body, with all its walls and powers.

  You compel nobody, Danny echoed.

  Nobody ever compels anybody, said This One. It cannot be done. You can hurt them in the body or damage them in the soul, but only they can choose what to do about it. But look now, Danny North. I already knew you and understood your worth, because when I sent you to be born on Mittlegard, a billion others chose to follow you into your body and become a part of your very self, and give you the power that is in them. They are what you call your gates. Because you gave your own following to the one called Wad, he now has great power; but the moment you call them back to you, all that you ever had will be yours, because they want to do your will.

  My gates are really not a part of me?

  They are part of you. The part of you that is able to travel through enormous distances in moments. Every ka and every ba possesses simple power to move from here to there, and there to here. That power of movement is harnessed and put to work to make things like gravity and engines, light and wind. But left to themselves, how can they discover where “here” is? Someone needs to establish the baseline, so that all the particles can organize themselves and form worlds and atmospheres, landforms and climate zones, fish and animals and birds. All of these are made from molecules, which are made from atoms, which are made from particles ever smaller, and smaller yet. But ultimately the building block of everything is the thing you call ka, but which in other places and times has been spoken of as pret. Prets are the ones who wait, doing their duty to me all the while. Always ready to obey as soon as they know what law applies to them.

  They are drawn to love and power. They were drawn to you. The millions of gates in your hoard are those who loved, admired, and followed you, to be a part of you, perfectly obedient even when you imagine you can give them away. They went with you the way the Sutahites went with Set.

  I don’t want to be like Set, answered Danny.

  Then don’t be, said This One.

  Tell me what to do, and I will go back and do it.

  You know what to do.

  Danny North hated enigmatic answers. They smacked of trickery to him, and he didn’t want to try to outthink someone who was obviously much wiser and better informed than he.

  Without answering, his thoughts became his answer.

  I am not tricking you, said This One. I simply cannot choose for you. Nor can I tell you how to do what has never been done.

  You can’t tell me … because you don’t know?

  There is a law that keeps you here, once you come. If I make an exception to that law, it will not be to serve myself or to indulge some mortal’s whims. All the laws exist to protect and promote the happiness of all. If I give you a plan and send you back, then you will be acting as my tool in Mittlegard, and your acts will be my acts. I will not do that, because the good order of Duat and of all the worlds depends on my never doing that. You and all the others must be free to choose. I offer. I teach. But I do not manipulate. I do not force. I do not rule.

  I think the world would be a better place if you did.

  The worlds of men and women are free to obey me whenever they choose. Meanwhile, they’re also free to obey and disobey each other.

  I am not free to disobey Set.

  Then how are you here? He did not want you to come.

  He ruled my body. It obeyed him, not me.

  Your body never obeyed anyone but you.

  Danny hated this thought the moment he grasped it; but he also knew that if This One said it, it had be true, even if only in a way that Danny did not understand.

  In all the weeks that Set had ruled over his body, controlling his speech, his actions, was Danny North somehow doing what Set commanded?

  Why didn’t my body do my will? Set blocked me every time.

  Set blocked you. Not your body.

  Danny tried to remember what it felt like, to attempt something and be blocked by Set. He would will his body to do something, like move an arm or say a word, and then he was blocked. Wasn’t that Set controlling his body?

  No.

  So it was Set between his will and his body. It was Set blocking his desires.

  Still wrong, but less wrong.

  It was Set telling him that he did not want what he had thought he wanted. It was Set contradicting him, and then Danny himself backed down.

  Why did I do that? demanded Danny.

  Why did you do that? answered This One.

  I was afraid.

  What were you afraid of?

  Danny tried to remember. Tried to analyze it.

  Then Pat spoke—or rather, had an idea and pushed it into the dialectic: You were afraid your body would not obey and so you countermanded your own command.

  Yes, This One affirmed.

  Would my body have obeyed me?

  No answer.

  Because I did keep pushing, I struggled, and I couldn’t get past Set’s contradiction.

  Couldn’t?

  Pushing is not how you get your body to obey, Pat suggested. Pushing is compulsion. There is no compulsion between the body and its owner, its ka and ba.

  I felt Set as if he were blocking me, so I pushed. But pushing accomplished nothing because my body doesn’t respond to pushing, and neither does Set.

  Understanding flooded through Danny. When I make a gate, I don’t push the gate, I invite it. My own body is controlled the way a mage gets his heartbound to obey: by invitation, by trust, by willing obedience.

  Danny, Pat murmured. I think we barely know our own bodies. I think we ride them like leaves on the wind, blown about by the body’s desire, and only rarely persuading the body to fol
low a higher plan. You knew how to block your body’s fulfilment of desire—that’s how you resisted the girls who wanted you. How you resisted me. But resisting your body is not the same as knowing it.

  Right, replied This One.

  I can’t expel Set, thought Danny. So I can’t stop him from interposing himself between my body and my will.

  But that idea was immediately set aside by This One. Or rather, Danny immediately felt sluggish-minded and stupid, which is how he experienced This One’s “no.”

  I can stop him from getting between me and my body. By making sure they are not two separate things. By truly becoming one with my body. So there’s no interval into which Set can push through and block me.

  But if I do that, Set will give up and leave, and then we won’t know where he is.

  Tomorrow’s battle, Pat answered. Your freedom, your control of your body: today’s battle.

  This One said nothing.

  I think I can’t learn how to do this here, away from my body, thought Danny North.

  That is right.

  Please make an exception to the rule and let Pat and me go back to our bodies. We will learn how to know our bodies better, so no one else can come between us, so that our bodies will respond perfectly to our will.

  And how will I explain this to all the wights who have asked for exactly that, and been denied?

  Explain that I will try to make the worlds safe from Set.

  You are already one of the great ones here, Danny, replied Pat. I saw it the moment we returned. They knew you, they remembered you. They rejoiced to see you but they were also puzzled, because you haven’t yet done the work appointed for you.

  How was I ever supposed to do that work if no one ever told me what it was?

  We choose our own works, said This One.

  Am I choosing well? asked Danny.

  You are choosing, and noticing your choice, and taking responsibility for it.

  But is it the right way?

  Why do you think there is only one right way to do your chosen work?

  Because there are so many wrong ways!

  You want me to always tell you what’s the right way so you never get it wrong. But if you come to count on me, then once again, am I not the one doing it, and not you?

  Yes, you’d be doing it, and I’m content with that! Let me help you. Please don’t make me guess.

  It doesn’t work that way.

  Change the rules until it does!

  The rules are not of my making. They’re in the nature of things. Power comes only by persuasion, by love and service. It comes from trying and learning.

  A quote from The Empire Strikes Back that Hal and Wheeler always used came to mind. “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”

  This One responded with sadness and scorn. The opposite is true, This One seemed to say. There is only try, and try again, until you can persuade the world to work according to your new plan for it. There is no “do” because everything has a mind of its own, and follows the laws it already understands.

  So you can’t change the laws, Danny replied to This One. Not because you are blocked from changing them, but because without the laws there is no doing, no making, no knowing. The laws are the universe, and we kas and bas, we inselves and outselves, we prets—we can only find a place within those laws, and by obeying them gain a measure of power.

  Closer. Closer. Close enough for now.

  May we go back? asked Danny North. May we be alive again on Mittlegard, in our same bodies, using what we’ve learned here to try to make the world safe from that old liar Set?

  There was no answer; there was no time for an answer. Because Danny immediately felt the overwhelming rush of sensation. He was in his body again.

  He could hear: the noises of the street outside, the highway two blocks over. He could feel: the vibrations in the floor. He could smell: the iron stink of spilled, congealing blood. Pat’s blood.

  Danny opened his mouth to speak.

  His mouth spoke.

  “Welcome back, Danny North,” his mouth said. “Brought your girlfriend, too, I see. Let’s kill her again and see how many times we can do this.”

  Danny paid no attention to the message from Set. Instead, he now could sense how his ka connected with every cell of his body. Only that wasn’t enough. He tried, for a moment, to push the tendrils of himself deeper. Only there were no tendrils and there was no pushing. Instead, he asked his body to receive him more deeply, and now he was aware of the minute workings of the cells, the business of life at the most basic level.

  And still he knew that it would not be enough.

  Let me be a part of you. Let me know you well enough to serve you.

  The cells of his body became large to him, because his awareness reached so deeply inside them, all at once. He felt the weight of large molecules drifting through the liquids in the cells. He sensed the businesses and processes, the atoms jostling, shifting from one molecule to another. How can I know this? Because this is the body that was given to me. The body that gives itself to me.

  This deep knowledge of his own flesh and bones filled him with light and fire. There was a larger world inside himself than outside, or so it seemed.

  He opened up his mouth to speak. “Pat, are you all right? Are you back?”

  And then that welcome voice, that crazy voice that had volunteered to die. “Of course,” she said. “And it’s scarcely been three minutes since I came to your door.”

  Danny’s mind reeled. The death of Pat, the journey to another world, the long, elaborate, wordless conversation with This One on Duat, and it all took place in such a brief period of time that their bodies had not begun to decay.

  By reflex, without thinking, Danny tried to pass a gate over Pat to make sure that she was well.

  Only he had no gates.

  Yet still, something passed over her, something of Danny’s making, and she was well.

  “I have no gates,” said Danny. “How did I pass you through a gate that I don’t have?”

  “I don’t know, but I was in pain and felt logy, and now it doesn’t hurt at all, and I’m sharp and clear again.”

  “But I didn’t make a gate.”

  “Maybe you don’t need gates to do it anymore,” said Pat. “Maybe it’s enough for you to ask every part of my body to be healed at once.”

  Danny wanted to think about this, but he was interrupted by a feeling that it took a moment to identify.

  Set was trying to leave him.

  “Please don’t go,” said Danny. “I don’t think you’re ready to wander off without me yet.”

  And just like that, Set stayed.

  7

  Hermia recognized the girl the moment she appeared. It was Danny’s drowther girlfriend, Pat. Only she was no drowther anymore.

  “What ill wind blows you here?” Hermia asked.

  “Danny and I were curious about how you’re doing these days,” said Pat.

  Hermia laughed a little. “How do you like my cell?”

  Pat looked around expressionlessly. “You gave your Family a Great Gate. Do you expect me to believe that exile on the island of Arkoi was your reward?”

  “They exiled me to Patmos, where my Family owns a little bit of … well, everything. But the place was crawling with Christians who thought that because God gave John such a wild dream on Patmos, he’ll keep pumping out deep revelation to seminarians and pious tourists.”

  “No gratitude from your Family, then?”

  “They were grateful—till the Great Gate disappeared. Good old Gate Thief, still in business after all.” Hermia knew that this visit wasn’t prompted by curiosity and certainly not by friendliness. She was going to have to face Danny’s judgment sooner or later. So if Pat wouldn’t bring up the subject, Hermia would. “You know that I didn’t choose to betray Danny.”

  A hint of a smile? The girl’s face was so hard to read. “The devil made you do it,” she said.

  Such hypocrisy. “Tha
t’s the excuse Danny’s using these days, isn’t it?” Hermia saw the moment she said it that this was a mistake. Pat was loyal. It was her main virtue. Only a fool would speak ill of Danny, even as a joke.

  But Hermia was a gatemage—a gateless one, so all she had left was her perverse sense of humor. It was too much to expect Pat to understand this.

  Hermia felt a sudden wind roil her hair, and then a gust threw her off balance and she fell, chair and all, onto the tile floor.

  “Oh, very good,” said Hermia. “Clever windmage, to knock down a powerless prisoner.”

  “You’re not my prisoner,” said Pat.

  “I am now,” said Hermia, “since I can’t get away, and you’re the one in the room with all the power.”

  “You chose to betray Danny,” said Pat. “There’s always a choice.”

  “You’re right,” said Hermia. “But oddly enough, I think I made the choice Danny North would have made. If you can stop blowing things over long enough to listen, I think you’ll agree with me.”

  The air was suddenly still. “It was wrong of me to use the wind that way,” said Pat. “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m not much for forgiveness, but—”

  “I wasn’t apologizing to you,” said Pat, her voice thick with scorn. “Tell me your story. Not so I can judge you, but so that Danny can hear. For some reason, he thinks he owes you a hearing.”

  “How is he listening?” asked Hermia. “There’s no gate in this room and there never was. How did you get here?”

  Pat paused a moment, perhaps to make a point of the fact that she wasn’t going to answer Hermia’s questions. “I think you were going to explain why you moved the Wild Gate and wrecked Danny’s plan,” said Pat.

  “I didn’t believe in Danny’s ‘plan’ because it was never going to work.”